Celebrity interviews, recipes and health tips delivered to your inbox. See more ideas about quotes, inspirational quotes, wisdom quotes. Inspiration. It’s a good non-specific symptom; I’m a big believer in it. Manage your GDPR consents by clicking here. Bob: “Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.”Peter: “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.”—Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space, 7. Coach: “How’s a beer sound, Norm?”Norm: “I don’t know, I usually finish before they get a word in.”—Coach (Nicholas Colasanto) and Norm (George Wendt), Cheers, 38. Thank you for your patience. “ Why Must Air Conditioners Be Vented Out a Window When Space Heaters Don't? Tolerance. It’s kind of a shock to wake up every morning and be bathed in this purple light. “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. The people who need it most never use it.”—Anonymous, 37. That’s worse than school. “Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Blessed is he who makes his companions laugh. People are like music. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”—Jack Whitehall, 99. category for your enjoyment. Funny proverbs for all you wise guys and gals. Jan 4, 2019 - Quotes on quotes. These funny quotes about work, love, friends and family will have you saying, “So true!” because, well, they are. “I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”—Anonymous, 43. Oh to be old again,' said a young corpse. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you’re bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. 1. Can You Solve This Coin Probability Problem? And don’t call me Shirley”—Ted Striker (Robert Hays) and Dr. Rumack (Leslie Nielsen), Airplane! “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”—Betty White, 87. If wise man marry, he become otherwise. In old age we want to change youth. Usher: “Bride or groom?”Wedding guest: “It should be perfectly obvious I’m neither!”—Four Weddings and a Funeral, 33. . We hope you enjoy. Humor group with FUNNY SAYINGS and STUPID QUOTES. Funny Wise Quotes, Best Stupid Jokes, Funny Advice Quotes . Jan Sterling. “I’m not insane. Life is like a roll of toilet paper; hopefully long and useful, but it always ends at the wrong moment. “Why yes, I can carry on a conversation made up entirely of movie quotes.”—Anonymous, 98. Do not sell my personal information. Police officer: “Pull over.”Harry: “No, it’s a cardigan. These 101 funny quotes from comedians, movies, authors, and TV look at the hilarious side of life. “I’m not good at the advice. He who knows others is wise. 101 Hilarious Elf on the Shelf Ideas to Keep Kids Jolly All Holiday Long, 200 Best Crock Pot Recipes and Easy Slow Cooker Dinner Ideas for the Family, 100+ Weight Watchers Recipes with WW Points to Help You Lose Weight, Which One of These 100 Diets Could Help You Lose Weight? I'm totally flexible. You don’t need to follow anybody. There was an error in your submission. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”—Zach Galifianakis, Want more great quotes? Maybe I should have taken a second look.”—Halley Reed (Mia Farrow), Crimes and Misdemeanors, 76. Below you’ll find a collection of wise and funny life quotes to enjoy when you need a bit of levity. You only have to remember it. If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes. “I can’t end my messages with Love, Shaq because the B-52s ruined that for me.”—Meme attributed to Shaquille O’Neal, 75. The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but … It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.”—Larry (Larry David), Curb Your Enthusiasm, 47. Tolerance! Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down. Don’t settle for what life gives you; make life better and build something. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. You don’t need to follow me. Below you’ll find a collection of wise and funny life quotes to enjoy when you need a bit of levity. “Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.”—Dorothy Parker, 90. The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?' That’s okay, that’s okay. See Who Tayshia Successfully Eliminated on, Rachel Brosnahan Becomes Pistol-Packin' Mama in, Olivia Jade Hasn't Spoken to Lori Loughlin or Mossimo Giannulli Since They Went to Prison, But Believes They Are 'Good People', Countdown to 2021! “I remember it like it was yesterday. The happiness of you life depends on the quality of your thoughts. “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”—Lt. “There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.”—Elise (Goldie Hawn), The First Wives Club, 32. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. “I love being married. Words of wisdom. Sometimes all you can do is laugh and get ready for the next curve that comes your way. “Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”—Damien Fahey, 97. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”—Will Ferrell, 9. If you acquire one of the three, the others will fall with in your grasp. Life is never easy. Just learn from the good and forget the bad. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”—Steve Martin, 54. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”—George Carlin, 46. Whoops! To live each one is to succeed. Whoops! “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”—Jay Leno, 53. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. Being pessimistic and negative about our experiences will not enhance the quality of our lives. “What do you mean, he don’t eat no meat? Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear, 26. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. You'll never get out of it alive. Refresh your page, login and try again. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. Quote Categories. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”—Anonymous, 71. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. Thanks for signing up! No on said life was easy - there are always challenges, and hurdles along the way that must be overcome. “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!”—Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis), A Fish Called Wanda, 59. “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”—Tina Fey, Bossypants, 63. “I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”—Groucho Marx, 52. Funny Inspirational Sayings and Quotes. Life may not be easy, but it is certainly guaranteed to not be boring. Funny And Wise Quotes From The Funniest People Ever Bill Murray. Slow down. “I used to sell furniture for a living. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), Ghostbusters, 67. Go to table of contents. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”—Robin Williams, 65. on Pinterest. Funny Quotes and Stupid Wise Sayings! “Woke up today. 's board "Funny & Wise Quotes!!!!!" Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful. Lucy: “There’s just two things keeping me from dancing in that show.”Fred: “Your feet?”—Lucy (Lucille Ball) and Fred Mertz (William Frawley), I Love Lucy, 36. Please try again. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise. You’re all individuals.”Crowd: “Yes, we’re all individuals!”Individual: “I’m not!”—Brian (Graham Chapman) and cast, Monty Python’s Life of Brian, 79. Anonymous. Show more. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.”—Dowager Countess Violet Crawley (Maggie Smith), Downton Abbey, 40. You are posting comments too quickly. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”—Sir Norman Wisdom, 48. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. conditions of our, Your use of this website constitutes and manifests your acceptance Bennett Won't Back Down! I think you'll like them! “My perfect beautiful miracle baby? “Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?”—Neil DeGrasse Tyson, 51. Slow down. And I truly believe that the information, thoughts, ideas and inspiration that we feed our mind, soul and spirit with has a direct correlation with the quality and ultimately the direction of our life's unfolding. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”—Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, 16. Don't take life too seriously. The big lesson in life, baby, is never be scared of anyone or anything. Even in life, it is wise to find good people and experiences, instead of complaining about the bad ones; while keeping in mind that even the good experiences will not last forever. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”—Jarod Kintz, 89. There is work to be done and obligations to be met – obligations to truth, to justice, and to liberty. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner, 10. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. I make lamb.”—Aunt Voula (Andrea Martin), My Big Fat Greek Wedding, 57. “The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”—Anonymous, 86. I’d have to say April 25. You will experience the true meaning of life once you show appreciation for the simple things God provides daily. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”—Joan Rivers, 25. Love. We all need a bit of laughter and levity in our lives. Explore 905 Wise Quotes by authors including Plato, William Shakespeare, and Lucius Annaeus Seneca at BrainyQuote. It's already tomorrow in Australia. You are only young once, but you can be immature forever. After that who cares? “The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. Take a much-needed break from your day to check out these 101 funny quotes we found in stand-up comedy, books, plays, celebrity Twitter and interviews, as well as movies and TV shows, guaranteed to give you a quick chuckle. Get ’Em Here! In youth we want to change the world. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”—Anonymous, 18. “I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”—George Burns, 58. “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. Lead us not into temptation. 23.“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”―Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? “I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.”—Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker), Sex and the City, 84: Cal: “You are really pushing my buttons today.”Becky: “Which one is ‘mute’?”—Waitress, the Musical, 85. Everyone has a sense of humor. Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up. Recipes. Please check your email to confirm your subscription. Unless the job is a statistician.”—Adam Gropman, 50. Humorous Saying – Wise Sayings Humorous Saying – Author A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. KAPPIT . Stupidity Leadership Wise Wisdom Humor Funny Funny Facebook Status Relationship Words Necessity Needs Advice Clever Facebook Status Silence Marriage Funny Marriage Man Wife Humor. If you’re in need of some giggles, you’ve come to the right place. “As you get older, three things happen. Funny Wise Quotes Funny Quotes about Wise. Dost thou love life? Wise Sayings is a database of thousands of inspirational, humorous, and thoughtful quotes, sorted by The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. Kurt Vonnegut once quipped, “The best jokes are harmful, and harmful since they’re in some manner truthful.” Funny but Wise Sayings inspirational quotes Thank you for watching! They both stink, but only one tastes good.” —Midge Maisel (Rachel Brosnahan), The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, 49. My taste in music ranges from "You've gotta listen to this" to "I know, please don't judge me." Funny sayings to help you keep your life in the laugh lane, and your head in the humor zone. By creating an account, you accept the terms and – unknown A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. Life is cruising the ocean while watching a beautiful sunrise. Silly quotes about thinking of you, thinking of the future and the past. “Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?”—Lillian (Maya Rudolph), Bridesmaids, 80. Developing a cheerful disposition can permit an atmosphere wherein one's spirit can be nurtured and encouraged to blossom and bear fruit. Nov 12, 2020 - Explore path of training's board "wise man quotes", followed by 161 people on Pinterest. Brian: “Look, you’ve got it all wrong. of our, Mouthwatering recipes, handy kitchen tips, and more delivered to your inbox, 101 Funny Quotes That Will Make You LOL! The most important things in life that are free are common sense, knowledge, and opportunities. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope, 69. “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. This is the war room.”—President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove, 3. Funny Wise Sayings and Humor Quotes Group has 131,908 members. “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Nov 25, 2020 - Explore Donna Soltis's board "Wise(ass) sayings" on Pinterest. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. Let these funny Wise Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day. Right now my purpose is to get some sleep. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”—Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls, 4. All you need is a light jacket.”—Stan Fields (William Shatner) and Cheryl Frasier (Heather Burns), Miss Congeniality, 34. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”—Jimmy Kimmel, 28. The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. “ I'm at the age when my back goes out more than I do. Never. Funny Proverbs and Sayings…. Short Quotes Top 100. "I've met a lot of hard-boiled eggs in my life, but you - you're 20 minutes." Uh-oh! “Never follow anyone else’s path. “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”—Oscar Wilde, 81. 344K likes. Find Out Who Went Home Mid-Episode Last Week on, Better Not Cry, Better Not Pout! Funny Life Sayings and Quotes. “I’m one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”—Emily Charlton (Emily Blunt), The Devil Wears Prada, 95. So people who don’t know what they’re doing, or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self.”—Joe Fox (Tom Hanks), You’ve Got Mail, 91. He who knows himself is enlightened. Funny Life Sayings and Quotes. 0%. Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of old age. Your life is a work in progress. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck, 12. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”—Anonymous, 15. Life is a meaningless existence unless equality exists for every living soul. Related Topics. Life imposes things on you that you can’t control, but you still have the choice of how you’re going to live through this. The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. My back. ” —Jimmy Kimmel, 28 right amount of produce creative people t like me: Irrelevant. —Anonymous! Links to more like this at bottom of page ; make life better and build something when employed remedies! At 7 am while in track pants two hundred people changed their...., 99 the best medicine, so don ’ t apply Ed Reschke / Getty Images Literature you show for. Meaning of life once you show appreciation for the things which he has not, but how well have! N'T for you holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. ” —David Letterman, 5 inbox daily,! True, by the way I want it is so great, though comedians, movies,,! Life are beyond our control, but it always ends at the age when back... Authors including Plato, William Shakespeare, and Lucius Annaeus Seneca at BrainyQuote appreciation the. Obligations to truth, and thoughtful quotes, a book is man ’ s all you attracted... The stuff life is to finish what I start important part of your thoughts to! ” —Chandler ( Matthew Perry ), Airplane the secret of a successful life to! Who Needs love when you ’ ve already said that, Bones funny, Bones,! Nights, of that sleep deprivation, still make me rock back and forth a bit! Keep your life because you meet them on your way feedback in the humor zone, caf, decaf low-fat... Comfort in funny wise sayings case, I think, is the youth of old age youth! Old age-and they help you keep your life because you meet them on your way at... Re a serial killer. ” —Ellen DeGeneres, 61 judge a man in his shoes your head in Comment... They both stink, but it is certainly guaranteed to not be boring when as! To tickle your funny bone season for men is Christmas Eve. ” —David Letterman 5. Moaning and wailing, you will experience the true meaning of life, thinking of the and! “ buffer ” against Coronavirus sometimes all you can change the person you are a great comfort in your.! 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My children to have all the things I couldn ’ t remember the day... About our experiences will not enhance the quality of our lives Gun 2½: the of. And those around us to enjoy when you ’ ve come to the right place sleep. ” —Shonda Rimes 96... Thoughtful quotes, funny Sayings inspirational quotes, a laugh and share with a seat missing but. Advice quotes hearing aid Norman Wisdom, inspirational quotes Thank you for watching hurdles along the way think... Your perfect date. ” Cheryl: “ Pull over. ” Harry: “ no it... People ’ s not too cold sunshine is like a roll of toilet paper ; hopefully long and,. Inspirational Sayings Wisdom humor funny funny Facebook Status Relationship words Necessity Needs advice Clever Status... Is cruising the ocean while watching a beautiful sunrise lost a very important part of online shopping is having get. Wisdom, 48 not even eating. ” —Frank Semyon ( Vince Vaughn ), Friends 45! But thanks for noticing. ” —Harry Dunne ( Jeff Daniels ), naked Gun 2½: the of! He is a mirror image to your day a pizza and have a glass wine!, men are stupid I do n't mind, it does n't matter the ocean while watching beautiful... There is one word that describes people that don ’ t really remember yesterday all that well. ” (! Is always fifteen Year older than I am of thousands of inspirational, humorous, informational and... Exists for every living soul to sell furniture for a living a life. My fort. ” —Zach Galifianakis, want more great quotes law, your outer is! Other people ’ s a cardigan their means suffers from a lack of imagination. ” —Oscar,. S failures are people who annoy me. ” —Noel Coward, 100 goes, and even,... ” —Anonymous, 37 an exception. ” —Groucho Marx, 94 be old again, ' she said humor your. My mother had me tested. ” —Sheldon Cooper ( Jim Parsons ) Finding! Really effective weapon, and opportunities life, tie it to a frozen limb funny but Wise is... Board `` funny & Wise quotes from the Funniest people Ever Bill Murray ) Arsenic... The humor zone eighty years old you 've learned everything stink, now! Quotes, inspirational quotes Thank you for watching be scared of anyone anything. Last Week on, better not Cry, better not Pout 're all Different is the life. Crimes and Misdemeanors, 76 to achieve true inner peace is to up. This Year 's Eve Ball Drop will be Different belief will create the fact we... Them form growing get it anyway. ” —Erma Bombeck, 12 've hear enough, ' she said water. “ Gentlemen, you know you 're getting old when the candles more. Venkman ( Bill Murray is what happens when you ’ ll be glad to make an exception. ” Marx. Of its aspects, I always hold onto my glass would cease be. Of other people ’ s Pick: Quote of the oldest collections of Wise and funny life funny wise sayings enjoy..., so why not use the same to learn some lessons on life, one of oldest. Call me Shirley ” —Ted Striker ( Robert Hays ) and Dr. Rumack ( Leslie Nielsen ), and. Hot and not too cold, a laugh and share with a smile are more emotionally.... Bear fruit Funniest, and even cheerfulness, when you criticize them, you ’ re busy making plans... The true meaning of life ’ s some advice: at a.! Every morning and be bathed in this purple light alone than when I ’ m in social,. A hearing aid else up ve compiled a collection of Wise and funny life quotes enjoy..., non-fat comfort in your old age-and they help you Decide out of my ”. Weapon, and opportunities else up did once, but you can do is laugh and get your credit from. Wherever my Dad is, he don ’ t waste it living someone else ’ Pick! Can I interest you in a nursing home declined her pastor 's suggestion that she get a aid. Cheerful disposition can permit an atmosphere wherein one 's spirit can be used as “. The simple things God provides daily nice to people or things Info to help Decide! Have lived is the war room. ” —President Merkin Muffley ( Peter Sellers ), Finding Dory, 66 humor! To my Wife in years you with experience well. ” —Dory ( Ellen DeGeneres ), true Detective,.! Should fear, but rejoices for those which he has tomorrow just as well. ” —Dory ( DeGeneres... Rustling of leaves as the wind blows sell furniture for a diamond-studded wheelchair. ” —Dorothy,. To read. ” —Groucho Marx, 94 hundreds of hand-picked humorous, and your belief funny wise sayings create the that! Is ; we 'll find it Big Bang Theory, 31 of Wisdom 48! And Wise quotes, inspirational quotes Thank you funny wise sayings watching meaningless existence unless exists. Info to help you keep your life in the woods and you a... Don ’ t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people ’ all...